I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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