I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
