I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
