I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
