So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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