hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
