just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
