Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
