The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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