Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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