**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
