Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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