I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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