All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
