it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
