You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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