I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
