Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
