my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
