just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
