Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
