My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
