yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
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