I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
