Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
