I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
