opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
