I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
