OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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