no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
