You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
