btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
we're so committed to being not committed
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
