why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
We just shotgunned beers for America
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
