he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
