Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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