They should really pass out barf bags in church
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
