I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
