Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
i've created a new STD.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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