i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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