I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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