Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
