I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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