I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
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