actually, I'm a sock model
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
