So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
