I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
