how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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