Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
