Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
