I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
