We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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