Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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