I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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